fighting for joy...

Several years ago our family drove out East for a family reunion.  We spent a day at Virginia beach, and I had fun watching our kids do this little "dance" as they would run into the water only to be chased back by the waves. 

I was content to sit on the beach and watch them.  I have trust issues.  Especially with murky water.  Blame it on years spent swimming in the Amazon, worrying about pythons and sting rays and schools of piranhas just waiting to eat me. 

Anyway.  I digress. 

It was a hot day, and I finally got up the courage to venture in.  The water felt wonderful, so I kept walking deeper...and deeper...

...until I was suddenly knocked down by a wave I hadn't seen coming.  I came up coughing and sputtering, trying to get rid of the bitter salt water I had just inhaled.  But before I could fully catch my breath, it happened again.  And then came the panic.  The desperate search for secure footing...

The last few days have felt that way.  I'm fighting exhaustion.  I'm fighting against anger and resentment.  I'm fighting to keep my head above water.  I'm fighting for joy...

#940  Psalm 28:7 - "The Lord is my strength and shield...I TRUST him...He helps me, and my heart is filled with JOY.  I burst out in songs of thanksgiving."
#941  bond of friendship - blessed beyond by these sisters going before the Father on my behalf
#942  rest
#943  reminder that I can face today with confidence because God is at my side
#944  my "special helper" - fun to spend a school day w/ Abbie
#945  delicious lunch from moms
#946  "Friday" on a Thursday
#947  community - camping w/ friends ("family")
#948  time to be away from all the have-to-dos
#949  giggling girls - sharing a tent & silly late night stories
#950  "fire boys" - ready @ a moment's notice for adventure
#951  clouds rolling past
#952  leaves rustling down - peaceful sight
#953  "best response to losses or thwarted hopes is PRAISE: The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21)
#954  laughing w/ my sweetheart - can't see the good...especially without his glasses! :)
#955  beautiful sunrise to start the week - sky on fire w/ orange, yellow, and pink
#956  good night's rest - all night through

Starting over...

I woke up angry.  The pile of dishes made me livid.  The Lego under the piano bench and a hundred other little "this & that's" left me seeing red.  The day has only begun, but the list rushing through my head is longer than I can accomplish in a lifetime.  The weight of stress on my shoulders and the feeling overwhelmed is suffocating.  I tried to bottle and pretend, but the anger bubbles at the surface, just waiting to explode.  Explode at the child stacking chairs into the tallest tower & missing the point that the floor needs swept. Explode at the piles that meet me at every turn.  Explode at the child whose shoes seem to multiply and they are content to just step over them.  Explode that it just isn't fair! 

But somewhere in the midst of my inner tirade, I realize my need for help.  I'm desperate.  Discouraged.  Feeling hopeless.  So I reach out to the only One who will really listen to this foolish woman's complaints.  And He hears.  And He responds.

Jeremiah 31:25 - "For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing."

Psalm 42:5 & 8 - "Why am I discouraged?  Why is my heart so sad?  I will put my hope in God!  I will praise Him again - my Savior & my God!  But each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing His songs, praying to God who gives me life."

I'm still struggling with the anger.  But I'm taking one step forward, making a choice to trust, to praise, to choose thankfulness.  Bottling the anger just results in pressure & the inevitable explosion.  Letting go is the hard part. 

But maybe cranking up the music and finding things to thank God for will help...

to start this day over.

Pit stop...

It's a beautiful day outside. Just 81 degrees. Twenty degrees cooler than it was two days ago. The oppressive heat has moved on for the time being, and we are enjoying the relief. The windows are open, the breeze moves through, and it's fun to hear the kids chattering outside. They are playing "pit stop"

Two "drive" around on scooters or skates, then stop in for gas, a tire change, or a chance to sit down.


There is no pit crew. Just a one-man-machine. And he takes his job very seriously. He gets frustrated if they take off again too soon. "I didn't even get to change that tire!"

I love that even though they're growing up so fast...they still take time to play, to pretend.

This weekend has been a "pit stop" for me. A chance to stop. To take a moment and get my "tank" refilled. To let these tired feet slow down. To give my mind a chance to rest.

Saturday was spent making the most out of 24 hours loving on my nephew & being blessed by my sister-friend. I left filled up. And not just with yummy monster cookies & delicious Southwest chicken! Filled with conversation, connection, encouragement...emotionally & spiritually.

Today is a day for resting. For reading. For reflecting. For enjoying this little "pit stop" from God.

Guilty pleasure...

I love curling up on the couch with a good book. Especially in the winter. A nice heavy blanket, a warm cup of hot chocolate, and a good book. It doesn't get much better than that. If it's a really good book, I'll stay up half the night to finish it. And to be honest, I'll even neglect my house (and meal prep) and just indulge.

These days, I'm lucky if I can sit down & have peace to focus on things that are important - like devotions, balancing the checkbook, paying bills, responding to emails, etc. It would be so much simpler if my children didn't ask as many questions as they do - "Can I please...?" "Where is...?" "Now can I go...?" I can't tell you how many times this summer I have tried to ban inquiries. It's completely fruitless. Hopeless. Pointless. The first question I get is "Why can't I ask you any more questions?"

So if accomplishing menial tasks requires some quiet, I can't expect there to be any for something as leisure as reading. Until today.

We have enjoyed many books-on-tape on road trips & as a family, and I've listened to books in my kitchen while I work. But today I pulled out my daughters "out-dated" CD walkman, plugged in my earphones, crammed the walkman in my pocket & got to listen to my story as I went about my day. I loved being able to multi-task & still enjoy a "guilty pleasure".

And the best part?

I don't have to answer all those questions. After a couple "Huh?" questions of my own...they give up & go figure out the answer for themselves.

Pausing...

Summer is a busy time.

Little bodies are active and little brains are chock full of creative ideas - like fort building, weapon making, dress designing, molding, drawing, cutting, gluing...

It's often hard to appreciate the creativity when all I can see is the mess that's left behind... But today. Today I choose to pause. Today I choose to revel in the creativity, and ignore the mess. Today I thank God for these little minds.

And if I'm completely honest...

Today I'm glad that these precious children are learning responsibility and are old enough to clean up their own "creative chaos"...

So that this momma can put her feet up & pause just a little longer...

Morning drive...

I love my morning drive to work.

My little guy falls back asleep about 30 seconds after he's strapped in his car seat & it's wonderfully peaceful in the car. Some mornings I relish in the silence. Other mornings I crank the radio. I have to admit, it's a little ridiculous how many times I've been brought to tears listening to Chris Tomlin or "Light up the Sky" by The Afters, as I watch the sun rise.
It's not church, or devotions, or Bible study, but it's sacred. Just me & God on my way to work. Oh, and my little guy...forgot he was sleeping back there!

This morning I heard this song from Francesca Battistelli & it made me smile. I could so relate to what she was singing. And the catchy little tune had me hooked. I decided the $0.99 download was totally worth it...

This is the Stuff
- by Francesca Battistelli

I lost my keys
In the great unknown
And call me please
'Cause I can't find my phone

This is the stuff
That drives me crazy
This is the stuff
That's getting to me lately
In the middle of my littleness
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff
That gets under my skin
But I've gotta trust
You know exactly what You're doing
Might not be what I would chose
But this is the stuff You use

45 in a 35
Sirens and fines
While I'm running behind

This is the stuff...

So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's NOT the end of the world!

This is the stuff...

Antiquated...

I beginning to wonder if "playing pretend" is a thing of the past. These days kids watch movies that are imaginative and "pretend", but they don't often have opportunities to use their imaginations. When the girls were little they played "Mommy" and "teacher" and "ballerina". I love eavesdropping on my boys as they play "cowboys" or "pirates" or "builders". The conversations are often hilarious and the moments, priceless. But it's not often that I'm willing to go out of my comfort zone to be silly with them...

Several years ago, my Mom started a fun tradition. She dressed up in a miss-matched outfit and came for tea. She changed her name to Noni & spent an hour playing pretend with her granddaughters. And she didn't just do it once & call it "good". She's done it many times & it has become a tradition my daughters look forward to...even though they're 12 & 9!

This visit was no different. It was a little longer for Abbie to let loose, but after some nervous giggles and eye-rolling, she plunged into her "character".


They set the table & pulled out the best china. They discuss their lives and their children. And they practice their manners. Well, they try... ;)

I hope someday my girls won't be too grown up & mature to be "childish" and play pretend...

Vacation

I tend to consider "vacation" with mixed emotions.

Although I look forward to the time we get to spend together as a family, making memories & enjoying the moments, there are aspects that I dread. With vacation comes planning, packing, and laundering. During vacation there are still meals to be made/eaten, dishes piled high, clothes that need cleaned, arguments resolved, activities instigated, all responsibilities a Mom can't seem to get a "vacation" from. Then there is the packing & unpacking, and the inevitable "catching up" that occurs upon our return.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I mind the work so much. The work is the reality of what it takes to make a fun trip happen. And there is a break from the urgency of house work that often seems to scream at me when I'm here. I get to read more and stress less.

It's just that I often come home feeling like I need to GO on vacation when we've just RETURNED from one!

But for this last trip, that was not the case. I got to have my own little vacation within our vacation.

And it was wonderful.

I didn't make my bed. I didn't pick up any one's dirty underwear but my own. I didn't have to be the referee. I got to swim all by myself without little minions latching on. I got to go to a museum, and listen to the tour guide, AND browse over the items, and it was wonderfully devoid of stress brought on by supervising curious hands. I got to spend time with a great friend & have "adult conversation" for 48 hours, without interruptions!

It was a vacation I won't soon forget.

Dealing with disappointment...

Right now we're supposed to be in our van, bundled and buckled up, and headed for Colorado.

We were going to see aunts and uncles, and great-aunts & uncles (you get "greater" the older you get!), cousins & second-cousins. We were going skiing, and sledding, and snowman makin'. We had our bags packed and our minds filled with expectations...

But sometimes what's "supposed to" happen, doesn't. Our dreams of skiing dissolved when the flu bug walked into our house & took us down one at a time. Fever, and chills, and cough, and runny nose...it's not a pretty sight.

It's hard to deal with disappointments. Big and little ones. When things don't turn out the way we've planned or the way we think they should. It's hard to see God's plan in the disappointments...or if there is one. It's something I have to take by faith sometimes, because I may never know the reason. Even for something as small as a ski trip.

So I lean hard into God. And I tell him about my disappointment. Because I know He cares.

Even about ski trips.

Changes? Oh, okay...nevermind.

This week has been an odd mix of preparations, flexibility, uncertainty, and waiting...

Monday the kids went back to school, and I sat down to think through what I wanted to accomplish this week...and ultimately, this year. I tried to think about this over the summer, but have you tried to think with four kids running around? It just doesn't happen. You can think about what to make for lunch, or whether you should go to the library or swimming, but that's about it.

Anyway, I had worked some last year on what it would take to finish my teaching requirements. I had been accepted through an online school that promised a degree with just 30 credit hours necessary to complete my teaching degree. But before I went through the financial paperwork, I thought I would contact the State Department of Education to see what their requirements were.

To make a long story shorter, I found out some new information - if I could get a job working as a teacher's assistant & get the training to become a para-professional, I would be eligible to take the test to become licenced by next summer. After that, I would need to get a teaching job (Hillsdale Christian, where the kids attend, would qualify as a "State Recognized School"), complete 12 hours of coursework, and be reviewed by a board in order to complete the requirements necessary to get a teaching certificate - a 3 year process.

I found out through our local School Board offices, that the only teacher's assistant positions available were in Special Education. I had filled out an application earlier this summer, but then went to various schools to deliver my resume & talk to the principals. School starts on Wednesday & many won't know what positions are available until they finish their registration process.

I was called in for an interview on Friday, for a position working one-on-one with children diagnosed with autism or aspergers. The school is nearby & ideal for dropping off/picking up our own kids. The interview went really well & I was fairly certain I had gotten the job. I came home & kicked into "productivity" mode. (This is different than "panic" mode - it's more of a "Okay, time to get to work" mode!) There was a lot that needed to be done if I would start work on Monday. By Saturday afternoon, I got the call back that though the interview went really well, they hired people with more teaching experience. However, one of the people they hired is pregnant & may be put on "bed rest" by her doctor, so if that happens...they'll call me.

Confident...then disappointed. Bummed. Wanting to be hopeful, but not counting on it. It's one of those things that is completely out of my control, so all I can do is say, "Okay, God..."

Now what? I have been offered a job, teaching 2 year olds 2 days/week for a Mother's Day Out program. But the questions still remain. Is this the best thing for me right now? For our family? Do I continue to pursue other positions? Do I submit applications to substitute?

Now what?

In the midst of the uncertainties, decisions, & questions, I'm grateful I don't have to have all the answers. I have to keep placing my rambling thoughts & concerns in my Father's hands. He knows what is around the bend, what is best, what I can handle right now.

He knows the plans he has for me...

...and I have to keep trusting that He will make that clear...if I can keep waiting on Him.

The story of my life...

I love to tell stories.

...especially if they make someone laugh. Maybe that's why I enjoy blogging. It's a chance to tell my stories to anyone & everyone who is willing to "listen" to them. Plus, at least this way I don't have to worry about boring anyone. (If they don't want to know...then they don't need to read!)

I like to hear stories. Funny ones, yes, but meaningful ones too. Thought-provoking. Ones that challenge me to think. Challenge me to be...more.

This evening I listened to a sermon by Andy Stanley. It is a series of messages dealing with how to make wise decisions & he spoke about the story of our lives.

As I thought back to Bible study this Spring & learning about finding contentment in the midst of "seasons", he reminded me that every season we go through is a part of our story. What seems overwhelming in the present, becomes a few sentences in the future - as we describe that season of our lives. For better...or for worse.

No matter how big a decision you may currently face, or how complicated your life is, at some point in your life, it becomes nothing more than a story that you tell. In every transition in life, and in every decision that you make, you write the script. Whether it's a positive time in your life, or a terrible, surprise season...your next decision is simply an extension of your story.

You don't get to decide what happens to you. BUT you do have full control over how you respond to what happens to you. And how you respond becomes part of the story that you tell.

He told the story of Joseph - how the decisions he made at crucial moments in his life, shaped his story. It was a God-honoring story. In the midst of injustice, false accusations, prison, and family dysfunction, Joseph chose to honor God in his decisions. And the reality is that his response to God (in worse circumstances than I probably will ever have to face), was obedience & acceptance.

I sit back & just think, "Wow."

What story do I want to tell?

It's not only a story I tell to my children, but it becomes part of their story too.

I want it to be funny, for sure. But more than that, I want them to see God in my story.

Not there yet...

Anyone who has taken a trip with kids expects the familiar question, "Are we there yet?" It's the one question that is never satisfied. Until we arrive at our destination, there is discontent...because we're not there yet. As parents, we plan & pack activities, snacks, DVDs...anything to distract from the length of the trip or inconvenience in the traveling.

I realize that in my anticipation of the arrival, I often forget to enjoy the journey. It's true that being cooped up or confined by a seat belt isn't very fun, but we've made a lot memories as a family when we take the side road & enjoy a moment to stop to look around.

I've been thinking a lot lately about this journey of life. Sometimes I think the road I'm traveling is filled with pits & potholes. I don't enjoy the journey. I don't understand why there need to be detours or maintenance. Some days it isn't fun & I feel trapped. I want to escape & allow myself to be distracted by other things. I don't know where I'm going & why I'm even on this crazy trip in the first place. I just want to hurry up, get it over with, & get there all ready.

Unfortunately...I'm not the one driving. Though I'd like to think I am sometimes. But I'm in the passenger seat, and as much as I protest & try to fight it...my driver knows where He's going, and He is in control...not me. He knows the road ahead, and there's a reason we're going this way. Yes, it may take a while, and the road doesn't promise to be a smooth one, but He is there with me on the journey. He has promised to be with me always & to give me the grace to endure the journey ahead. Even better, He throws in some sight-seeing. A chance to see His greatness in action, an opportunity to revel in His love & mercy.

So, here I am. I don't really know what lies ahead, but I'm trusting the One who does. Now it's time to release my fingernails from the dashboard & enjoy the ride.

Listenin' to the rain...

I love the sound of the rain...have ever since I was a little girl. Storms don't scare me. They're comforting, in a way. I fell asleep countless nights to the sound of torrential rain pounding down on aluminum roof tops without ceilings or insulation to diminish the noise. There's something peaceful about listening to the rain & sitting quietly with my thoughts.

When I decided to lead an adult Sunday school class, I was mostly looking forward to a change; a break from teaching children & a chance to interact with people my own age. I never expected this series might change me.

We're working through a series of messages by Andy Stanley on Faith. I have been challenged to look at the foundation of my faith. Is it circumstantial? Based on my ability to find God in my circumstances? Or is it dependant on something more? When I'm honest with myself, I see that often times my faith in God isn't based on what He's done for me through Jesus, but what I think he should do for me...right here, right now.

Sometimes I'd rather live in denial.

But then reality sets in...

"When we evaluate God's faithfulness...God's presence...God's intervention in a time frame that's short enough to suit us, but that doesn't suit him...we often conclude something is wrong with God..."

There is a couple we know that is facing unimaginable circumstances. I have cried as I read their blog. It is a beautiful picture of faith...a faith that is not dependant on their circumstances. but on their God.

Andy Stanley defines faith as "confidence that God is who He says He is, and that He will do everything he has promised to do." In Luke 5:12-15, a man covered in leprosy approached Jesus & fell to his face before him & begged, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." A beautiful picture of faith.

"God...if you don't do anything for me, you're still God...We can fall on our face & beg God & know that if he is willing...he CAN do it! But regardless of the answer (yes, not now, or no...), he is STILL God & you are still his beloved child...because he sent Jesus to be your Savior."

"The Lord foils the plans of the nations; he thwarts the purposes of the peoples. But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations." Psalm 33:10-11

Hello, Reality...please leave.

Today has been a rough day. I'm not writing so you'll feel sorry for me. I'm just writing because I know that you can relate. My life is not sunshine & peaches all the time...and today is one of those days. I would just like to climb back into bed & start the day over...but then I would have to rewind the clock to last night...

What my sons destroyed in 3 hours will take me all day to restore. Can I get a witness? How many mothers dread leaving the house for the simple fact that they never know what they will discover when they return? And upon opening the door, how many of us just want to run back to our vehicle & drive away...all the way to a deserted island?

This morning, plans were pushed aside when my youngest reminded me his chapel was this morning & he really wanted me to be there. I looked at myself in the mirror. Big mistake. There wasn't a ball cap that could hide that mess. So in addition to corralling kids, making lunches, and all the craziness that is the morning routine...I had to bring order to my chaos.

On the drive to school, I was helping Abbie with math, explaining why 0.036 is smaller than 0.367, and why that is smaller than 0.38! Out of the corner of my eye, in the rear-view mirror, I caught sight of my boys spitting at one another!! The first words out of my mouth were, "Oh, NO...you DI-UNT!!!" If I had a free hand I would have done the snaps too. I pulled the van over on the side of the highway & tanned two naughty bottoms. I didn't really care if the trucker passing by thought I was abusing my children. Swift action was necessary. And if there was any question, the next trucker saw me hug them & tell them not to do it again! Spit on the ground or in the sink, but not at each other! My sons were over it in 2 minutes, but my soft-hearted daughters were not. They cried the rest of the way to school. And I felt guilty.

Now I am home. I had a little pity party for myself. No cake, just Pepsi. I grumbled, and mumbled, and cried out to God. "Does anybody care? Does anyone see? Does it matter to anyone?"

And then, I could almost hear that small voice...

"I do."

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit & when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me..." Psalm 139:1-5

Hope...in context...

One of my favorite verses is Lamentations 3:22 -

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

Today, as I read this again, the context of this verse stood out in a new way...something I don't think I had noticed before. In the preceeding verses, Jeremiah talks about his circumstances. He feels like he is walking in darkness, like God has turned his hand against him & has surrounded him with bitterness & hardship. He feels as though he cannot escape, that he has been left without help, deprived of peace, and been forgotten. He admits that all that he had hoped from the Lord...is gone.

And suddenly, there is a turning point. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. He is reminded of God's love, compassion, faithfulness, goodness, and salvation. His circumstances haven't changed & how he feels about his circumstances hasn't changed either - Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust - there may yet be hope. In the midst of despair, a promise...and a reminder: Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men. Who can speak and have it happen if the Lord has not decreed it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both calamities and good things come?

Somedays, life can feel pretty hopeless...like there is no end in sight to the junk I deal with on a daily basis. And it scares me when I think that my circumstances might never change. I want to see that "light at the end of the tunnel". I want that "happily ever after". Doesn't God know what I'm dealing with here? If he has the power to change it, why won't he?

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope.

...in the context of God's love, faithfulness, and salvation. I hang on to the hope that God knows what he's doing in my life, better than I will ever be able to comprehend...

...hope...

Anticipation...

Thinking of days to come, and chasing after some "finer day" is what kept Carly Simon waitin'...anticipating...

Life can be about anticipation. Waiting for tomorrow, waiting for the next phase, the next adventure, the next new thing...for things to get better, for what lies ahead or just around the corner, waiting...

It got me thinking...scary, I know. :) I started thinking about "anticipation", and what makes it different from "hope". I began to realize that most of the time, the things I anticipate have expectations attached. And often I find myself disappointed because what happens isn't what I had anticipated at all.

Hope is different. Hope does not disappoint. I loved this definition: Hope is a person or thing in which expectations are centered. Hope brings me to a place of letting go of my expectations and holding on with everything I've got to God & his promises. Because he is perfect, and his plan for my life is perfect...I can center my expectations on him. I can hope in Him.

Now, don't get me wrong. There's still waiting on hope. Only I don't have to chase after some illusion of a "finer day".

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.

In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.

May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD,

even as we put our hope in you." Psalms 33:20-22

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"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run & not grow weary, they will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:29-31

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"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.' The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him..." Lamentations 3:21-25

My Heritage

Abbie came home from school the other day with questions about her ancestry. Philip had it easy, as he comes from a "pure bread" German/Prussian Mennonite heritage. I'm more of a "mixed breed". :) And though I could remember some of my ancestry, most of it was sketchy. But my Grandpa had a passion for genealogy & spent countless hours researching. It is because of him that I can explain what "third cousin once removed" means. At one point I remembered getting a stack of charts and statistics. I promptly filed them away without giving them much thought. But yesterday, I went searching.

Phil laughed at me while I studied the papers, saying Grandpa would be so proud that I was spending time on this, and confident that none of my cousins would be! But mixed in with great-great-grandparents, and birth dates, and marriages...I found something precious. A story. A timeline of my Grandpa's life. It wasn't anything fancy. It was a simple story full of facts & dates, but in between the lines, I saw something beautiful...

My Grandpa became a Christian at 18, just four months after hearing the message of salvation for the first time. Early on, God placed a passion for missions in his heart. At 21, he married my Grandma. By 26, they had finished their Bible degrees, been accepted by a mission agency, and were anticipating serving in South Africa. In the midst of pursuing his dream, his family grew...by four. Life must have been incredibly busy. He was installing furnaces, involved in church ministry, raising support to go oversees, and parenting an 8, 6, 3, & 1 year old. In the summer of 1955, my Grandma contracted polio. Because of her health, and a risky pregnancy 3 years later, my Grandpa's dream of becoming a missionary became impossible. I sometimes wonder if he was disappointed, disillusioned.

This week I have been studying the life of Joseph. Joseph was stuck in prison for 13 years, after being sold by his brothers, and then falsely accused by his boss' wife. It must have been incredibly frustrating to be living in those circumstances without the hope that life could change. And even after helping Pharaoh's cup bearer, he was again forgotten & in prison for another 2 years. But despite what may have seemed like a bleak future from his perspective, Joseph continued to be faithful in whatever he did. And in the end, when he faced the people who had in effect "set the ball rolling", he told his brothers, "...it was not you who sent me here, but God."

My Grandpa did not live a glamorous life. He lived and he worked hard. But more than that, he was faithful. He was faithful to his wife for 42 years. He was faithful in praying for his children & grandchildren. He faithfully served on Missions Committees. He was faithful in serving God right where he was. And God rewarded his faithfulness, as three of his children went on to serve oversees as missionaries.

I never heard him complain that his life hadn't turned out the way he planned. I saw him trust God with His plan.

It is a heritage I hope I will pass down to my children.

Just what I needed...

It seems the last several weeks (months?) have been a roller-coaster of emotions for me. There have been uncertainties, challenges, and struggles with disillusionment. I know that my circumstances are unique to me, but everyone can relate to the emotions.

I love my Bible study, despite the fact that I manage to cry over something each week. I can't help it. I have a leaky eye. It's hereditary...just ask my Dad. :) Every week I walk away feeling overwhelmed, "Wow...that's what I needed to hear..." It's not often what I want to hear, but what I need to be reminded of. And it's the first time I think I have felt physically refreshed by the truths of Scripture. It's better than caffeine. Don't get me wrong, I'm still loving my Diet Pepsi, just sometimes it's not enough.

We have looked at life's "seasons" - the growth in Spring, the busyness of Summer, the change in Autumn, and the loneliness of Winter. We have studied the life of Ruth, Solomon, David, and Joseph. I am reminded over & over that God is beside me, no matter the circumstances, the disappointments.

This week for our "homework", we were supposed to make a "timeline" of our lives, from childhood to present. We're to include big events - like marriage, babies, moves, etc. I wasn't looking forward to doing it. I thought it was going to be depressing. But I actually enjoyed it. It was good to look at my past - the difficult challenges, transitions, the people God has sent into my life to minister to me & encourage me @ just the right time, the things He has taught me "through the fire", and the ways my life has been blessed. I finished my timeline & read this:

Lord, I believe and accept that this season, every season past, and every season to come is Your season for my life. Lord, I believe and accept that this season, every season past, and every season to come has divine purpose and is appropriate for me. And Lord, although I cannot fully see the eternal value and purpose of each season of my life today, I believe and accept by faith that you will reveal this to me in the future.

I cried.

That darn leaky eye!

The idea of it...

I love the idea of winter and Christmas and snow and the intricate designs in frost. I just forget that with all the beauty comes freezing temperatures and frozen windshields and wind that burns my ears and face and goes right through me. I'm wondering if we'll enjoy the beauty of winter in heaven as we hang out in the comfortable mid-70s...not that it will be a priority then. I'm just thinkin'. And I don't want to hear any sassy comments from you Northerners. I realize I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to complaining about low temps because you can top any figure I give you. But unless you live in the "Windy City", you can' t rival these Oklahoma winds. And if you argue with me, I'll just sing the song to prove it. ;)

Anyway...all that to say...in order to keep warm today, I'm cooking and baking and drinking my weight in hot tea, which means I'm also spending much of my day in the bathroom. (You wanted to know that, didn't you?) What was my point? I'm not really sure I had one...the cold must be getting to my brain. I guess I'm just trying to express that despite the inconvenience of trying to keep warm, there is something comforting about being in the kitchen, snuggling down in my four layers of clothes, and dancing to Christmas music to keep the blood flowing. In the end, I have to admit that I love more than just the idea of this season of year.

Aaaaaahhhh....

Why does a little picking up make a world of difference? I can see the floor in the boys' & girls' rooms, and in the living room. It is a wonderful thing. The kitchen & bathroom floors are another matter, but I won't focus on that right now. I'm basking in my accomplishments, small as they may be.

The past several weeks have been busy. Well...that's an understatement, but I'm trying to be positive here. There have been wonderful moments...and some tears too. In many ways I love where I'm at...working...teaching. I have fallen in love with these kids, with their unique needs, and funny quirks. I love teaching them & seeing the excitement when they learn something new. It is very fulfilling. Today I told a little boy, "You are so creative." His quick response was, "Like God?" ;)

In other ways, this journey has not been what I expected. There have been "promises" broken and expectations unmet, but it has been a learning process despite the disappointments. I was not prepared for the toll it would take on our family. I knew it would be an adjustment, but nothing prepared me for this. Some nights I feel like...I'm not just out of gas; I'm pushing a semi-truck up a hill...a very big hill. And I wonder where I will find the strength for tomorrow.

Tomorrow always comes, and thank goodness it is a new day! I have been blessed with a new friend - a fellow teacher who has taken me "under her wing", answered countless questions, and provided needed encouragement and wisdom. And I'm thankful for "old" ones too, though they aren't old by any means. :) We went camping with friends this past weekend, and despite being a lot of work & having little sleep, my soul was filled to the brim...and overflowing.

In just another day, I will turn the calendar over & see a beginning and an end...an end to this journey of teaching nine Kindergarteners. I know it will go by fast, despite the crazy days, and I want to make the most of it...not just at work, but at home too. I also know it will be hard to say "good bye". Maybe not at first, but I'll miss it...eventually. :) And I'm praying about the "What next?" and trusting God to show me.